I have no idea what I’m doing.

Anxiety and depression is a real bitch. I go through ups and downs that are so high and low that I never really feel normal. 

Right now is one of the down times. Though intellectually I realize that my life could be far worse, I just feel that my life will never feel right – that I’ll never feel right in this life. I’m going to go through my list of “dramas” right now to see if it makes me feel better to vent. 

1.Money is always the biggest problem. I live in a rural community and as a college educated person I am barely making $30k a year – that is after being out of college for 10 years! However, I could manage on this salary much better, if I wasn’t addicted to shopping. That feel of buying something new – even if it’s a carton of yogurt makes me feel so good. It’s hard to explain. I am up to my eyeballs in credit card debt and I just keep going – thinking I need this or need that. Which brings me to: 

2. Organization: I read somewhere once that your personal space is an indicator of your mental state. I believe that with every fiber of my being because I cannot seem to keep my apartment clean. One problem – I keep bringing more stuff in and I never get rid of anything. I’m a beauty product junkie, clothes horse and I am in desperate need of a paper filing system. I just look around and get so overwhelmed. I try to clean and I just get nowhere.

3. My job. I hate it. The thing about being depressed is that I can’t bring myself to look for a new one. 

4. That constant feeling of dread: Some may call this the feelings of doom. I don’t know how to describe it – it’s like a weird tickle in my brain that I feel that says any number of disparaging things to myself. I feel like I can’t breathe sometimes. Sometimes it feels like my heart is pounding out of my chest. 

 

Those are the dramas on my mind currently; though they are subject to change at any moment.  When this depression lets up, my plan is to really get into this blogging my feelings, overhaul my diet and exercise regimen and job search .

That’s all for today:my cat has decided she wants my attention and keeps standing on my keyboard ;)